At work you just never know what someone might be about to tell you.
What happens when we are told unexpected, very difficult news? Despite years of practise in leadership and HR roles I can still find it difficult to know what to say in these unexpected moments. Does this ever happen to you?
Last week two brave women, living in different countries, chose to share their sad news with me – they had both suffered a miscarriage. This was unexpected. It was difficult to know how to respond. Later, I was reflecting on what I’d said and, on what I’ve learned in my career so far……
We seem to respond based on what we feel about what we’ve heard or based on our own experience. But what happens when it’s something we might have little knowledge or experience of? Here are some very difficult things people have shared with me at work:
- Impending loss of their own ability or mobility e.g., MS, eyesight
- Sudden loss of a new baby
- Loss via tragic, sudden fatal accident or by suicide
- The sudden discovery of a rare and serious illness
- Finding themselves in a narrow miss situation during a terrorist attack
Whilst it goes without saying these types of situations affect all aspects of a person’s life, and wellbeing. But at work in particular, people share information for a reason. The key is to ‘tune into’ their reason and not get ‘caught up’ in your own emotions.
What matters most?
- That you acknowledge their situation/loss and don’t ignore them or the subject, no matter how difficult it might feel for you.
- How they view what has happened, not how you might see it.
- The ‘gap’ the loss leaves in their life, or the challenge this creates in their life.
What might you say/do?
- Acknowledge: “I’m sorry to hear this”.
- If you really don’t know what else to say, I have learned it is okay to say so: “I’m afraid I find myself lost for words; I don’t know what to say.”
- People will usually then volunteer the information they want to share. Listen carefully – give them your full attention and acknowledge what they say. It isn’t necessary to offer a solution or advice.
- If it seems appropriate ask: “What can I do to help?” No matter how well you know the person, do not assume what they might find helpful at this time.
- At the end of the conversation: “Thank you for sharing this with me.”
When I’ve used these phrases here are just some of the replies I have received:
- “That’s ok I’m just glad you acknowledged it. So many people are just ignoring the point like nothing’s happened, or they’re avoiding me completely. It’s just awful.”
- “No, I didn’t know what to say either… in fact I still don’t know what to think.”
- “Well, I wanted to let you know, but I’d prefer not to talk about it. And I’d prefer you didn’t ask me about it. I’ll email you about it from now on, as I can do that from home before or after work. This way I can manage my own emotions.”
The sad news of these two miscarriages left me lost for words, and I said so. Both ladies then chose to share with me their very different perspectives on their own loss. I listened and once again I learned. It was a privilege. When I asked what I might do to help their replies were identical: “You already have; you listened and understood”.
You just never know what someone might be about to tell you at work…..just remember to put your own uncomfortable feelings aside and be human. We all experience unexpected tragic situations in our lives.