Dealing with unexpected and very difficult news in the workplace

At work you just never know what someone might be about to tell you.

What happens when we are told unexpected, very difficult news? Despite years of practise in leadership and HR roles I can still find it difficult to know what to say in these unexpected moments.  Does this ever happen to you?

Last week two brave women, living in different countries, chose to share their sad news with me – they had both suffered a miscarriage. This was unexpected. It was difficult to know how to respond.  Later, I was reflecting on what I’d said and, on what I’ve learned in my career so far……

We seem to respond based on what we feel about what we’ve heard or based on our own experience. But what happens when it’s something we might have little knowledge or experience of?  Here are some very difficult things people have shared with me at work:

  • Impending loss of their own ability or mobility e.g., MS, eyesight
  • Sudden loss of a new baby
  • Loss via tragic, sudden fatal accident or by suicide
  • The sudden discovery of a rare and serious illness
  • Finding themselves in a narrow miss situation during a terrorist attack

Whilst it goes without saying these types of situations affect all aspects of a person’s life, and wellbeing. But at work in particular, people share information for a reason. The key is to ‘tune into’ their reason and not get ‘caught up’ in your own emotions.

What matters most?

  1. That you acknowledge their situation/loss and don’t ignore them or the subject, no matter how difficult it might feel for you.
  2. How they view what has happened, not how you might see it.
  3. The ‘gap’ the loss leaves in their life, or the challenge this creates in their life.

What might you say/do?

  1. Acknowledge: “I’m sorry to hear this”.
  2. If you really don’t know what else to say, I have learned it is okay to say so: “I’m afraid I find myself lost for words; I don’t know what to say.”
  3. People will usually then volunteer the information they want to share. Listen carefully – give them your full attention and acknowledge what they say. It isn’t necessary to offer a solution or advice.
  4. If it seems appropriate ask: “What can I do to help?” No matter how well you know the person, do not assume what they might find helpful at this time.
  5. At the end of the conversation: “Thank you for sharing this with me.”

When I’ve used these phrases here are just some of the replies I have received:  

  • “That’s ok I’m just glad you acknowledged it. So many people are just ignoring the point like nothing’s happened, or they’re avoiding me completely. It’s just awful.”
  • “No, I didn’t know what to say either… in fact I still don’t know what to think.”
  • “Well, I wanted to let you know, but I’d prefer not to talk about it. And I’d prefer you didn’t ask me about it. I’ll email you about it from now on, as I can do that from home before or after work. This way I can manage my own emotions.”

The sad news of these two miscarriages left me lost for words, and I said so. Both ladies then chose to share with me their very different perspectives on their own loss. I listened and once again I learned. It was a privilege.  When I asked what I might do to help their replies were identical: “You already have; you listened and understood”.

You just never know what someone might be about to tell you at work…..just remember to put your own uncomfortable feelings aside and be human. We all experience unexpected tragic situations in our lives.

 

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The power of thank you.

When is the last time you said thank you? Was it a meaningful thank you with some detailed words, or just a passing comment? When was the last time you received a thanks? Do you know what you were being thanked for?  So often ‘thanks’ is a word in a sentence, a passing comment.  But in a world where bad news seems to dominate, perhaps the humble ‘thank you’ is our golden opportunity to generate some good news and positive vibes.

Yesterday I received a thank you letter from a client organisation, attached to an email. I don’t receive letters very often. The letter explained how my actions coaching with one of their managers had made a real difference. Reading the letter brought a tear to my eye – someone had gone to the trouble of typing me a letter and providing detail about how my coaching style had helped. This thank you was powerful; I felt valued, I was pleased to know how I had helped, and it makes me smile when I think about what a kind gesture it was.

This experience reminds me that we all have the opportunity to generate good news by valuing and appreciating the people around us.  But how often do we give or receive a thank you that comes with something more? With some details about what we did/said that was appreciated.

Why does thanks matter?

Because knowing what it is we do that is appreciated can be very powerful.  As colleagues, partners, parents, children, friends, family members, neighbours we all have countless interactions, and mostly we are trying to do our best. For humans being appreciated is important. No matter what age, gender preference, colour, religion we are, or what level of experience we have. We all need to feel valued and appreciated.  Knowing that we each matter is important because:

  • It generates positive energy, motivation and a sense of wellbeing.
  • It makes us smile, makes us feel better about ourselves.
  • It helps us know what we should keep doing.
  • It encourages us to repeat the behaviours which are valued by others.
  • There might not be another chance. So often we don’t tell people what we appreciate/value about them until they resign, leave the organisation or, they become very unwell.
  • When we appreciate others, we are also reminding ourselves what we are grateful for.

So, as you rush off to buy a Christmas gift or Secret Santa stop!  Consider when was the last time you actually said thank you to this person and explained what you appreciate about them.  Genuine thanks and appreciation costs very little money, but it can make someone’s day. And in some cases, it can mean everything.

You have an opportunity now to think about the power of your thanks. Here are three steps:

  1. Who are you thankful to?
    • Colleagues who work alongside you and with you, to make progress and achieve things.
    • Your whānau/family whose ongoing love and support we can take for granted.
    • Friends who’re great company and are willing to tell you things you might not always want to hear.
    • Customers & clients who use/buy your products and services so that you can make a living.
    • People in the background who whose work quietly supports what you do and prevents the problems you are more often than not blissfully unaware of (voluntary organisations, IT, utilities)
    • People who are always there in an unexpected crisis (Police, ambulance & medical services, neighbours, bystanders)
  1. What could I say in my thanks?
    • Consider what you value or appreciate about the person. Think about the details; the words they used, the actions they took, how they made you feel, sometimes it might be their silence, or the fact they are just there as a support.
    • Here is a suggestion about how you might start: ‘Thanks I’ve really enjoyed collaborating with you this year. What I’ve really appreciated/valued is…….’ What has been helpful to me is……
  1. How should I share my thanks?
    • First consider the person; some like public praise, others certainly do not. If you’re not sure, do it privately.
    • It could be a conversation, text, message, post, email, card, letter. The key point is to send your thanks in a way that you know will be both received and understood.

Thanks for reading – I appreciate you taking the time at this busy time of year.
 Meri Kirihimete. Ngā mihi o te tau hou.  Merry Christmas and greetings for the new year.

 

The power of thank you. Read More »

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A year from now, what will you wish you had started doing today?

I asked myself this question towards the end of December 2021.  It took me a few days to find my answer.  During this time, I reflected on my learnings during the year; one learning was about my thoughts.

Whatever problems exist in the world or in my life there are always opportunities, but sometimes we just don’t see them.  Our minds are so crowded with our thoughts there seems to be no space for anything else. Thoughts like: I haven’t done, Don’t forget to, What about xx, I’d like time for, I should consider, Remember to you agreed to xx.  Earlier this year I found space in my mind for thinking about opportunities, but it happened by accident.

I started looking at the thoughts my mind seemed to be crammed with. I noticed many were negative thoughts.  This surprised me as I don’t consider myself to be a negative person.  Apparently, we’re all wired to notice ‘threats’ around us.  This makes sense – it kept us safe from danger as we evolved as humans. However, always seeing the threats and problems isn’t helpful for our mental wellbeing.  Nor is it helpful for making progress in our lives and careers.

I decided I would start to pay more attention to my thoughts.  I began questioning my negative viewpoints and looking at the facts to support these views.  What did I find?  I discovered that often there was no factual basis for my negative thoughts.  So, I started replacing my negative thoughts with realistic ones.  Suddenly, there were opportunities popping up naturally in my mind.  Many of these were completely random and new.  The more I questioned the negative thoughts the more space I seemed to create.

Have you ever looked at what your thoughts are about?  You can start by noticing your thoughts once a day.  Actually listen to what the voice in your head is saying, instead of just being aware of it chattering away.

  • What is it you are actually thinking about?
  • Is it positive or negative dialogue?
  • Are your thoughts based on fact/opinions/imagination/past experiences?
  • Are they encouraging thoughts or something else?

After a few attempts at listening to your thoughts consider what you want to be thinking about. There is a choice, which with practice, becomes empowering.

So, a year from now what will I wish I had started doing today?  Making the most of one opportunity in each of the 364 days I have left in 2022.  Each day I will get older, not younger.  My life will get shorter, not longer.  I will focus on the opportunities in my life and in my work.

When you look forward to January 2023 – what will you wish you had started doing today?

 

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift that is why they call it the present.”  – Anonymous

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Is your career languishing because of Covid? Or are you climbing the wrong mountain?

Everywhere I turn covid has disrupted things, in particular career plans.  It has put job changes on hold, stopped career moves/overseas experiences (OE) and generally caused people to ‘press pause’. But is this just about covid? I think not.  

Covid has disrupted career plans, but it has also caused people to stop, to reflect and question what they’re doing with their life, and why.  

Careers are like mountains; they’re all different, come in all shapes and sizes and usually have several different routes/paths to the top.  Just because one route is blocked it doesn’t mean there aren’t other routes to reach what you want.  However, before you look at other routes it’s also good to check that you’re still climbing the right mountain.  

So how can you stop languishing and get your career back on track?  Here’s some practical steps.

1. Accept what’s happened. 

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? But if you’re blaming someone or something and constantly complaining, the chances are you are not accepting what has happened. But you are wasting your valuable energy.

2. Focus forward

Turn your energy and attention forwards – what can you do? This might not be obvious at first; it takes some work. Read on to learn how.

3. Check-in. How clear is your career plan?

Are you climbing the right mountain? Do you have something specific to aim for? Do you have a route – some action steps that move you from where you are now towards your goal? If you gave your career plan to someone else – could they understand it? And could they follow your action steps? That’s assuming you have a plan. If yes – marvellous! Move to step 5. If no – try step 4.

4. Revisit your career plan.

  • What specifically are you trying to achieve? What is your goal?
  • What are your reasons for wanting to achieve this?  What’s your why? E.g., experience, growth, learning, ambition etc.
  • What action steps will take you towards your goal?
  • What else do you need to know? (Knowledge, understanding)
  • What else do you need to be able to do to? (Skills, behaviours)

Write your answers down and look at them carefully. If you now have a clear goal, the chances are you can do something from where you are right now.  If it’s not obvious, how could you find out what that something might be?

5. Gather advice/input from others.

A great way to generate ideas and start looking at things differently is by talking to others about your goal/plans.   

a) Find someone who has already done what you’re planning. 

What an opportunity! Most people are willing to help others; by sharing their story, their experiences, their advice. Chat about your plan, ask if they have any suggestions for you now. It’s likely this will give you new ideas.  

b) Ask widely, start with those you know best.

We are surrounded by people with different experiences to our own. You never know who might be able to help unless you start asking! It might not be someone you know personally. But it is easy to get started – ask the people you already know. Yes, I do mean family, friends, colleagues. You will be surprised what happens when you start asking. 

6. Keep an open mind

If you ask, be willing to listen and really understand what is being suggested. Keep considering things that don’t immediately appear to be relevant. If you can’t see how suggestions are relevant, then keep asking questions until you can.

7. Ask yourself – SO WHAT?

So, what could I do that moves me towards my goal?  What are a couple of things I can do now/next?

8. Decide on one action and get started.

Taking just one action towards your goal, however small, will generate positive energy because it will feel like progress in the direction you want to go.  

Your action might not get you up the mountain by the fastest and most direct route, it might take a little longer, it might wind back and forth – but it does lead you towards your goal.  So, stop languishing and get moving!

“I will come again and conquer you because as a mountain you can’t grow, but as a human, I can” – Sir Edmund Hillary.

Is your career languishing because of Covid? Or are you climbing the wrong mountain? Read More »

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